In my first 30 years I had been fortunate enough to never experience poor mental health and if I’m honest I would’ve quite confidently told you that I probably never would. I even went to my initial midwife appointments and answered all those questions relating to it without any second thought or consideration that I may be at risk of experiencing anything along those lines! Then mix post-natal hormones with sleep deprivation then a global pandemic and it resulted in a case of PNA that on some level has become my new normal. I’m definitely passed the peak of it and as Tommy gets older I relax more, also I’m aware of it and the causes etc so I’m getting better at learning how to keep it at bay and noticing signs of it creeping back in. Having experienced it, it’s has really opened my eyes to what some people (not just Mums) deal with on a regular basis. It’s all consuming at times and as much as you try to think and speak rationally it just not that easy and I know that compared to what some people experience mine was/is quite mild. My anxiety was made up mainly of intrusive worrying thoughts, some of the most extreme was a fear of SIDS. I would constantly worry that Tommy would overheat, stop breathing, get something stuck over his face (even though the cot was clear), one of us would fall asleep with him on the couch or in bed or that he would be sick and choke. On the occasions that Tommy would sleep at my Mums house, people would talk about all the sleep I’d get and how lovely it would be to lie in while I had the chance, the reality was that I would wake up around 4am and then stay awake checking WhatsApp convinced that he had died and my mum just didn’t know how to tell me. I would also drive myself crazy knowing how lucky we were to be getting the time to switch off yet not being able to mentally switch off and each time felt like such a wasted opportunity. Tommy started sleeping through the night properly around 7/8 months old (after we did cold Turkey with the dummy’s which will be a separate post). This was a massive milestone that we had been waiting for yet there I was dealing with insomnia and watching him peacefully sleep on the monitor. I think firstly I had become so used to the wake ups that my body clock was just thinking I still needed to wake and then secondly once I was awake my mind would race and I just couldn’t switch off. I spent hours thinking things such as…
He will wake any minute so there’s no point going back to sleep
How will I cope tomorrow on such little sleep?
Why hasn’t he woken up yet? There must be something wrong
I’m broken, what’s wrong with me? Just go to sleep
I’ll never sleep properly again
I would move to the spare room so not to disturb my husband and to try and reset myself for sleep, when the morning came round and I would see Ian he’d ask how I got on and I’d just cry with frustration and exhaustion. I really feel for anyone who suffers with sleep issues long term.
I can’t really pin point when or really how I overcame this but I think time really did help, knowledge and comfort in the fact that night after night Tommy was sleeping through and he was perfectly well and safe. I also really tried not to worry about the lack of sleep so when lying awake I would say to myself ‘it’s fine if I don’t go back to sleep, I will be ok and will get through the day’ and quite randomly singing (in my head) ‘Sitting on the dock of the bay’ always seemed to help, bizarre I know but worth giving it a try if you’re having similar issues. I think it was to do with trying to think of the lyrics taking my mind off the worry.
More recently I have read a tip that you may find helps…. Think of a letter, then go through various categories and try to come up with something beginning with that letter. E.g. Letter G = Germany, Giraffe, Grape, Golf, Gemma, George etc etc
Also something a little more formal and professional… There is an NHS Self Help App that contains information on all sorts of topics including sleep issues which I found quite useful and Just Chill Baby Sleep does an online adult sleep course (this website is linked on my support page).
Lastly if you are struggling with either postnatal anxiety or postnatal depression please seek support, you can start small by talking to a close friend or family member or reach out to one of the charities/organisations that are dedicated to this. Some of these are linked on my Support page. Alternatively, if you are able to get an appointment with your GP you can try this route too. You are not alone, it's more common than you think and help is available.
NHS SELF HELP APP
Still such a powerful read, thank you for sharing.