The decision to go back to work (or not in some cases) is individual to all of us. Many people (like me) need to go back to work for the money and many people (like me) need to go back to work for their sanity. On the other hand, some people may choose to be a stay a home parent for a multitude of reasons, such as it not making sense to work just to pay your earnings back out in childcare fees or they may just feel unable/not ready to leave their child and want to spend longer together and enjoy the time.
The absolute ideal for me would be to not have to work yet still be able to afford a few days a week in nursery, but that’s a bit of blue-sky thinking.
My reality was a little squewed due to all that came with lockdown and Covid but I’ll do my best to explain our situation, decisions and experience...
I had 9 months maternity leave spanning Feb – November 2020, for a huge chuck of this time I was filled with anger and resentment that it absolutely wasn’t what I’d envisaged and looked forward to for so long. No days out, no family/friends being able to come in and physically support us, no mum and baby classes (the list goes on). I was also very angry about the fact that there I was knee deep in new motherhood and going through matresence whilst receiving various different percentages of my salary then statutory maternity pay meanwhile all my colleagues were at home with their families on 100% pay (yes still logging on to work but in the thick of it I wasn’t thinking rationally. I’d like to say I’m over this experience now but in all honesty I doubt I’ll ever be at peace with the situation and what we were robbed of during what should have been such a special time.
OK I know I digressed but wanted to set the scene a little.
So after 9 months of walks, social distance garden visits, bubbles etc I decided that I would go back to work on a part time basis (predominately still from home as that was still the rule) so at least I was getting some benefit from the whole situation.
We had visited the local nursery to scope it out (Tommy really hadn’t been exposed to this kind of environment or groups of children at this point and neither had we. We also had elderly grandparents and other family members all in the high risk covid category so keeping them safe was always at the forefront of our minds. Whilst at the visit Tommy proceeded to pick up numerous toys and put them all straight into his mouth, this instantly filled us both with anxiety. We came away to debrief and plan for my imminent return to work and both agreed that we weren’t in a position to actually send him yet because we could face risking the germs and the worry that would come with that as we absolutely didn’t want to prevent him seeing our family members.
So we came up with a plan to utilise some family support and along with a lot of the nation at that time juggle working from home with Tommy present once or twice a week. Its safe to say this came with its challenges but it was definitely the right set up for us during that time.
This was our arrangement for almost 6 months at which point it became really tough as he was walking and just needed more attention from us in general, so off we went back to nursery to start the settling in process.
He seemed to take to it well initially and didn’t really flinch when we walked away. We did few 1 hour sessions followed by a couple of mornings then a whole day. I was concerned about him socialising and his naps etc but in all honesty I didn’t find leaving him there too difficult or emotional, I think by this point we were 15 months into quite a testing time so there was probably a sense of relief alongside the worry. We finally had time and space to breathe, work, clean etc and headspace to just think straight.
Tommy was a motion napper and had the majority of naps in his pram so nursery agreed to do this for him too which was great, I saw the mats some of the other children used and just couldn’t ever imagine he would settle on them. After a few months though they worked their magic, and he was falling asleep on the floor with all the others!!
I have to say that after the novelty of nursery wore off for Tommy (a couple of weeks in) drop offs became really difficult, he would cry and cling to us almost every time. Nursery assured us that he soon stopped, and I would ring to check he was ok, he always was but starting the day like that isn’t easy. We tried talking to him about it, we tried not talking about it and just pulling up outside etc, nothing seemed to be the right approach.
Something that did help was when I went back up to full time at work and he increased his days, the regularity of going did bring some improvement and I know this is an annoying one but as with a lot of things baby related time really did help. Things would seem to improve and then whenever he had any time off (illness, holidays, Christmas) we would go back to square one.
After a year of tears at drop off we seemed to make a breakthrough. Now he will ask where he is going and object a little (just pushing his luck to stay home) but then accepts his fate and walks in happily with his bag on his back and we even get waves with the odd “have a nice day”.
It’s inevitable that once children start mixing on mass they will pick up all sorts of bugs. I found this really stressful. Its awful seeing them poorly especially when you can’t explain to them what’s wrong, then there’s the element of going back to work and in my case not wanting to be a ‘stereotypical mum’ (god how I retract that now) but trying to be professional and prove I am still just as capable as I was pre-baby (especially in a male dominated industry) and feeling like I’m constantly letting people down and having to leave to pick Tommy or work from home with him in the background etc. My husband and I would take the time off between us and share the load but it still felt like it was one illness after another. I kept trying to remind myself that a lot of my colleagues have been there before and experienced it first hand and know that I am committed and good at my job but still the doubt and pressure creeps in.
I will end on a positive, Tommy has thrived at nursery. It’s been great for his social development, making friends, gaining independence and his education. He comes out with things we have no idea he knows and listening to him talk about his friends and his day is so lovely. I also think it’s great for us as parents too and the welcomes we get when we pick him up are just the BEST.
Tips
- Keep drop offs short with minimal fuss
- If you are feeling emotional about the drop off and separation, try not to let your little one see
- If your child is older and has the level of understanding you can try drawing a heart on both yours and their arm and explain that if they miss you touch the heart to remind themselves you love them etc along with a lot of affirming that you will be thinking about them and looking forward to hearing about their day.
- Try to let go of the worry about the juggle and other peoples perceptions.
- Often the staff in nursery have seen it all before so work with them and try not to overthink.
- It will likely take time to adjust so be patient with yourself and your little one.
- Let go of any guilt around sending them to nursery (they will make you feel guilty) but it’s great for their development, social skills and for you too. I know I am a better Mum when I have had some time to reset.
- Remember that you have overcome all challenges to this point and you can overcome this too.
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